To be IN love. What a glorious feeling that is. In our youth, we are easy targets of Cupid’s precise bow. We are struck helplessly and hopelessly by surprise and graced with the euphoric state that is “being IN love.” Ohh but the injustice when it slyly slips away. And once we find ourselves in a long-term relationship (10+ years), are we to sadly accept that Cupid’s magical “spell” is long gone? There there now, We Lads and Lasses, don’t be so discouraged. I’ve got a secret to share, straight from the heavens.

Once we’re past the love interest and are in “the thick” of a real relationship, we begin to sit back and await smugly. For what exactly? Why the Cupid’s arrow again, of course! We long for it. We dream of it. Because we are without a doubt ever so deserving of it again and again. We never had to do any work as babies to win the unwavering adoration and exaltation we’d receive from a parent or caretaker. Just existing was enough to be the target of unstoppable love. So why should it be any different now? 

But, woe are we, as we are no longer the objects of adoration won effortlessly. Fortunately though, where there is a will, there’s always a way. 

Here’s the secret: Enroll in Cupid’s School of Emotional Archery and learn how to skillfully aim for the heart and strengthen your relationship.

Let’s start with a quick lesson from Cupid’s school. Two problems usually pop their dirty little heads up in a love relationship rut: built-up annoyance slash resentment and boring predictability slash lack of novelty. So what would Cupid have us do under these circumstances? Well, not talk about and reveal everything on our minds for starters! Not make sly comments about picking up the sneakers and belongings or empty water bottles and bottle caps of your “other” strewn about the house. Cupid might create a bit more mystery with an air of mere reservedness; Cupid might engage in more hobbies or outings with gal or guy friends. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. So obviously, a change is needed. 

But another point comes to mind. If we live in our imagination of the ideal–always–we are surely in for a head-banging reality check. During those moments of relationship ennui or 🤯, why can’t we simply melt into this temporary sense of stagnancy or chaos? It won’t be forever. Nothing ever is. Time kindly and sometimes not so kindly brings changes. And let’s not forget, the natural cycles of life always include darkness or downtime–sleep, winter, malaise, recession. With a snap of the finger or switch of our mental channel, we could simply just ease through periods of glum without feeling worried and anxious. If we let go of being so demanding or idealistic, of course. 

But, Maestro Cupido, what do you say to the challenge with this theory? The self-induced challenge is of that thing that we resolutely resist: giving things TIME. That and (no rolling your eyes please) CHANGE through EFFORT. To make a long-term relationship work, we need to have great and enduring resolve. And the more we invest in our body-mind balance, in our own personal activities and goals, the better it will be for our mood at home. 

Javi, my husbo, and I have a tense relationship with boredom. For reasons beyond our language (and love for each other), we’d rather have tension in our relationship than experience ennui. We are addicts to adrenaline. We need to feel a high to feel alive. 

So many times we blame our other, instead of blaming our view of love. We don’t realize that our idea of love is the enemy of a good relationship. 

Being mutually committed to one another, Javi and I have had to learn how to turn our (inevitable and continuous) marital challenges into invaluable learning opportunities. Dealing with our hellish dramas has strengthened our understanding, forgiveness, compassion and resilience. Not sure if practice makes perfect in this case but…. well… While it hasn’t been easy or direct, hindsight has revealed we evolve.

In the midst of our moments of fuego (dragon versus dragon slayer), I usually ask myself whether a tender love can ever be restored, whether I’ll ever see him the same again. Surprisingly, after some good communication (which never comes easy or immediately) and a few days to breeze it over, we tuck another experience into our belts. It’s yet another experience which will teach us (at least for a time being) a new depth and which will bring us that much closer to connecting with and understanding one another. It’s always been a rattler of a roller coaster but thankfully we keep persevering. For us, giving up isn’t an option.

Sometimes when we troubled couples assess the wreck that our relationship feels like, the prospect of rebuilding seems unimaginable. Even with a glimpse of potential transformation, the time and effort may seem too big a task, and some may opt to cut losses and start anew with someone else. But, there is EFFORT and TIME to be invested even for those who part ways. Profound grief, isolation, lingering anger and dramatic changes that touch more than just the couple are to be dealt with and can have lasting effects when a couple separates. Some may often walk away from relationships with their delusions intact. While others may part much wiser, much stronger. 

SOO, here we all are, learning to let our failures give us a chance to learn, grow, and be humble. I once read that compatibility is an achievement of love–NOT a precondition of love, as we expect it to be. And according to the Roman God of Love, Cupid, the great enemy of love and good relationships is self-righteousness. So let’s shoot an idea straight to the mind and cause love to re-bloom in our hearts. Let’s let go of our litany of complaints or battery of reasons about how the other is not living up to our entitled expectations. Let’s not wiggle our way out of our own accountability. And let’s get out of this mire of unhealthy dynamic patterns, and give in to rhapsodies of praise and appreciation. 

In his book, The Seat of the Soul, Gary Zukav talks about how every action is followed by a reaction, which is the third law of motion in physics. But Zukav also says, before there’s even a thought or an action, there is an intention. SO, HONEY, WHAT’S OUR INTENTION FOR THIS RELATIONSHIP? 

Mine is to NOT be ‘sans’ Javi. Mine is to NOT be a Joan of Arc with my righteousness and acts of retribution. Yeah, I’ll take one (and another and another) for the team. And heck yeah, it helps when I see Javi taking some for the team as well. 

I’m aiming my bow, and you’re my target again, Javi.

Don’t move.