Intimacy begins with looking inward to reconnect better with your partner (or anyone)
Photo Credits: Donald Roller Wilson paintings
January 25, 2024

Have we become a towering fortress too daunting for our partners to scale? Marriage, children, career, home…. Why is it, after having accumulated all we’d hoped for, we’ve turned cold, withdrawn, aloof, selfish or critical towards the love of our life… And yet ironically lament the loss of intimacy and passion we once had?

Could it be 😳 we are…

… comparing our sweetums to a fantasy lover, or to memories of past intimacy, and therefore squashing their chance to meet our criteria?

… rejecting them the majority of the time they make a move on us??

… expecting them to make the move every time???

… not taking into consideration their inner world, their timing, their energy level, and the piles of thoughts engulfing their minds (what happened to empathy?)????


Perhaps we’re not taking into consideration OUR own inner world, OUR own timing, OUR own energy level, and the buckets of OUR own mental going-ons?

Maybe, just maybe, the intimacy we crave starts with and needs to be redirected towards ourselves first. A great love life starts with self-understanding and how we attend to our own wobbly vulnerabilities. Do we really know how to properly self-soothe? And more importantly, do we really love ourselves enough to be decent and fair lovers?


Intimacy starts with “me.” The reason we most likely become defensive and put up fortress walls is because we are not adequately comfortable with who we are inside and how we show up to the world. If we are not being proactive about “seeing into me,” then we can’t have the proper confidence and tools to properly open ourselves to our partners and to others in general.

Fall first and foremost IN love with yourself

We cannot change our significant other’s defensiveness and all the barricades they put up. But when we are soft and soothing and fair with ourselves, then can we have proper clarity and calm when we are around others, allowing them the space and tone to perhaps do the same.

Also, let’s stop making sex such a big whopping ELEPHANT of an issue. Sex is overrated when our belief is that there are “SHOULDS” in sex. It should be often; it should be exhilarating; we should be in sync; and we should be equally in the mood. Our “shoulds” in sex are deviously born of our “shoulds” in life. Unfortunately, ALL “shoulds” don’t take into account mysterious and cosmically more intelligent reality.

When we are not feeling good about ourselves, we begin to treat our partners as a necessary evil — someone we have to attend to in order to sustain a duty, and not truly embracing them with our souls. Facing inward and seeing our true selves opens us up to set a big one. To be a better lover. And, to be loved better.

It’s not about the ideal, but the essence.

Photo credits: Donald Roller Wilson paintings


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