I was caught in it. In a chain reaction of relationship reactions. And at the time, the idea that I would one day be calm and composed even at the most tantalizing of provocations would surely have been met with raucous laughter by my husband (and myself). I used to blame it on genetic predisposition, our fiery relationship dynamic, and just plain zeal for life. But that was then and this is now.

As of September 2024, my long-time passionate affair with reaction-fueled drama suddenly went cold. After thirteen years of smack-my-head relationship hurdles with endless variations on “The Scream,” I have proven that change is possible.

The shift began when I took a relationship test that had popped up on my IG feed one night (@realterryreal). I discovered I fell into one of four quadrants: “love-dependent” and “boundaryless” with a generous side of “grandiosity.” Being ‘love-dependent’ (or what some may call “co-dependent”) together with being “boundaryless” meant I struggle to set clear personal limits, letting others’ emotions  (or manipulations) overwhelm me and dictate my mood and happiness. “Grandiosity” referred to my tendency to one-up the other in a conflict, making the conflict about power and control. Quite a package, I must say. 

Of course, depending on others—our companions, children, parents, friends, or coworkers—should be something we all do. If we didn’t depend at all, what in Heavens would a relationship even mean? We rightly depend on our relationships—physically, for closeness and comfort, and psychologically, for emotional support and security.

But how we relate hinges on a very delicate paradox. And more often than not, we feed on the push-and-pull and lose ourselves, forgetting altogether where our true power lies.

We forget the obvious. That we’re responsible for our words and our actions only, and not only for the other’s sake but most importantly for our own. We forget that there is no use whatsoever in reacting against the other’s behavior since it is something we have NO real control over. The only control we have is over our own behavior. And changes in a relationship dynamic happen only when we change ourselves first. 

If we are not watching 👀 our emotions and impulses, then we’re not aware and not in control, and no change can ever occur. But when we watch how we handle our emotions in the moment—how we respond versus how we react—ONLY THEN, can we free ourselves from love-dependency, and help rebuild our relationship dynamic. 

It’s simple: Response 👍; reaction 👎. 

Response is beautiful and elegantly freeing; reaction is never beautiful and typically regretful. 

When we start that first explosion,

It’s not a picture of our love in motion.

Our lips can smother the other with no more left to say,

But there is no salvation in instant radiation,

And no medal awaits for being lost in the fray.

When we don’t react, we give ourselves the chance to rise above another’s behavior. This means NOT demeaning the other when speaking, NOT making angry or disapproving faces or gestures or comments or noises in consequence. Since reaction comes from impulse, it keeps us stuck in a negative chain reaction. Each time we react, we forge yet another link in a chain that gets thicker and stronger and harder each time. But when we choose response over reaction, we break the chain and allow for a change. 

Response encompasses a lot. It’s born of many things: Full Awareness. Consideration. Deliberate Thought. A Greater Understanding. And STRATEGY. In other words, response is thoughtful, strategic, and emotionally regulated behavior. Response entails immediately becoming an observer. Watching 👀 every impulse, every emotion as it arises. It means watching 👀 until the impulse loses its power, and the need to react disappears entirely.

And so, I began to watch 👀  and watch 👀. And watch 👀 until practice made almost perfect. And yes, I proved that with attentive patience, devotion, real humility, and TWO VERY WATCHFUL EYES, I could rise above. I’ve grown dove-like wings and carry an olive-branch in my beak. And now, I’m flying free. With the innocent heart of a child and the sagely mindfulness of Aristotle. How about that?

🕊