Ostensibly Virtuous

For the morally ambitious of you, here’s an indecent proposal and our take on the seven deadly sins

Photo Credits: Liz Taylor / Helmut Newton

October 23, 2026

The Catholic Church once generously handed us the seven deadly sins, an inventory of all the things we’re supposed to resist as civilized humans.

Craving the entire pint of PB and chocolate. Craving someone else’s life. Craving beauty, money, attention, or someone. Idling about in a monogrammed robe at 12 P.M., smoking one (or ten) and craving adoration.

But who are we kidding? For all our moral posturing, we admire ambition, celebrate indulgence, covet beauty, and entertain revenge, the thought of our neighbor’s husband, or the occasional tirade.

It’s all just a question of optics, and nothing good breeding can’t disguise.

So, the distinction between vice and virtue is just a matter of presentation, wouldn’t you say?

For someone who knew a thing (or eight) about vice, Elizabeth Taylor had something to say about it:

“The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.”

In a world where everyone’s so busy advertising their virtues, we might as well celebrate our seven cardinal vices. We’ve invented an eighth.

Shall we begin?

PROFANITY:

Having a potty mouth was once considered anything but ladylike or gallant, and still, it manages to offend the more delicate members of society. Quite fair to say, as social decorum has its place – but so does a well-placed expletive.

Science suggests swearing can help us tolerate pain and let off steam without resorting to physical aggression. Used as a humorous coping mechanism, it can provide an emotional release and restore a sense of control when circumstances become particularly disagreeable. Research has also linked swearing to creativity, intelligence, and honesty.

If we’re gonna be honest, I think we can all agree, a good four-letter word can accomplish what a paragraph of polite conversation cannot.

So what are your beloved expletives?

GLUTTONY:

Though gluttony is looked down upon, under the surface it’s likely a sign of a love deficit. But a heaping spoon of creamy peanut butter that masks the entire mouth or an overspilled martini pale as the vodka from a Belvedere bottle. These can do more for us than most respectable things. Yeah they may not go without their less glamorous consequences when one turns into many. But eating and drinking are part of our primal survival needs, right?

Let’s be real. A big hunk of something – notably warm gooey molten chocolate – can make it really great to feel alive. Pleasure is part of the deal.

And at the end of the day, we’re just looking for something sufficiently pleasant to get us through.

So go on that love binge and be a glutton for all the things that make life deliciously extravagant.

SLOTH:

Yeah, being excessively lax could imply being fearful of something. Procrastination, after all, can be an elegant way of avoiding disappointment or frustration. We may learn to succeed but feel overwhelmed or unequipped.

But there’s a distinction between being a downright sloth and being gloriously lackadaisical.

Doing absolutely nothing for a while can recharge those powerful batteries and allow the mind to fertilize genius ideas. Not every breakthrough comes from behind a desk.

Who we were yesterday doesn’t mean that’s who we have to be tomorrow. This kind of slow metamorphosis needs undistracted lengths of time, preferably spent in a monogrammed robe, shearling slippers and disheveled hair.

WRATH:

Our fits of wrath are sometimes just a tender reaction to deep hurt, panic, or anxiety (though not exactly our most photogenic moments). What we may just need in those moments is someone who’s willing to listen and understand our hidden wounds and fears (before of course the kitchen silver is involved).

There is, however, a difference between scorching wrath and fighting for what we need. So why not fight for our happiness, values, and desires?… and who said our frivolous whims and extravagances shouldn’t count too?

Not every raised voice is a character defect. It may just be a refusal to be ignored (though the occasional apology wouldn’t kill us).

PRIDE:

Rubbing proud comments in someone else’s face is never agreeable. Nobody enjoys being trapped at dinner with a raging egomaniac.

But there’s a distinction between excessive pride and knowing our value. But modesty is overrated, and we needn’t diminish ourselves to make someone else comfortable. Turning Pride on its head we can be proud to care for others’ opinions, especially your own.

So purse those lips. And wink that eye. There’s always a reason to be outright proud of yourself. Choose Pride, just spare us the acceptance speech.

ENVY:

Envy can imply the notion that we feel inadequate and bitter that someone else won a better allocation of life’s privileges. But envy is a terrifically useful mirror. It tells us what we yearn for, what we admire, or what we’ve been too timid to pursue.

Usually when we envy it may not be the person at all, but what they represent to us. So the next time you turn green or feel the grass is greener elsewhere, consider it useful reconnaissance.

… And make that which you envy yours.

GREED:

More is more. The world is not enough. As the “ugly” sense of the word would imply, Greed can stem from a deeper feeling of lack, a suspicion that what we have – or who we are – isn’t enough.

But wanting more isn’t automatically a moral deficiency. Sometimes it’s ambition. Sometimes it’s appetite. Sometimes it can be a refusal to settle.

Greed, seen properly, might even just be a sign of wanting to care for yourself more. And what could possibly be so wrong with that? (Limits are open to interpretation.)

LUST:

Lust can bloom from a need to relieve loneliness or a craving for a deeper bond.

Our ordinary, perfunctory lives don’t always permit the level of intimacy we crave. And unfortunately, desire isn’t particularly concerned with practicality.

So our best solution and greatest hope is to aim for a risk-free target. We could ravish a mouth-watering chocolate-dipped banana or plan a romantic date with our trusty erotica plaything. Whatever the arrangement, remain relentlessly curious and dedicated to the school of LOVE.

Go on and CRAVE. COVET all you want (as long as it doesn’t involve a divorce attorney).

The church might beg to differ. But who knows? We just might be a perfectly virtuous bunch after all. At least, ostensibly. And is it really their final judgment?