We approach partnership with expectations, imagining this other person will fulfill our every craving and match our every dream. We place this TALL, elaborate order but we don’t realize that’s not how real love is delivered. So if we’re going to place an order, we should at least know what’s actually on offer. Yeah, we’ll find all sorts of heavily dressed appetizers, entrees and desserts that will only give rise to disappointment, ennui, resentment and a misplaced sense of entitlement. Except for one dish.

In his book, We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love, author Robert A. Johnson proposes what love realistically should taste like.

“Stirring the oatmeal is a humble act-not exciting or thrilling. But it symbolizes a relatedness that brings love down to earth. It represents a willingness to share ordinary human life, to find meaning in the simple, unromantic tasks: earning a living, living within a budget, putting out the garbage, feeding the baby in the middle of the night. To “stir the oatmeal” means to find the relatedness, the value, even the beauty, in simple and ordinary things, not to eternally demand a cosmic drama, an entertainment, or an extraordinary intensity in everything.”

He goes on to say, “In romantic love there is no friendship. Romance and friendship are utterly opposed energies, natural enemies with completely opposing motives. Sometimes people say: ‘I don’t want to be friends with my husband or wife; it would take all the romance out of our marriage.’”

We beg to differ. Mature love can be sexy. Since it is practical, realistic, and free of expectational burdens, mature love is given the right space to transform and flourish organically on its own. With patient acceptance as its principal ingredient—and evolution at the heart of its nature—it can potentially begin to simmer and bubble into surprise and excitement over time. Simply by the magic of passing time, its oat flakes absorb, fill and expand with the sweetness of honey. This “oatmeal kind of love” doesn’t happen overnight. In other words, these aren’t your typical “overnight oats.” Deep down, you know this is the transformative connection that will give your life meaning and completeness. And that, Fellow Idealists, is sexy.

Before initially placing a tall order of demands on a potential life partner, perhaps it’s best you first dine in alone, committing and taking full responsibility for becoming a complete person (yes we know, that in itself is a tall and perhaps life-long order). However, an attempt is the first step to the recipe. And only then can a love story suddenly morph into thick, viscous, substantial joy and fulfillment. While you wait, in or out of a relationship, begin to whet your appetite for imperfection, discomfort and conflict. For dry, flaky mundanity. And once you find your humble “stirring the oatmeal” kind of love, you’ll discover that was just what you were craving.

So there you have it, no pessimism, just practical work here, thank you. And don’t forget to call for turn-down service.

You can’t always get what you want

But if you try sometimes, well, you just might find

You get what you need

-The Rolling Stones