“F**k the Patriarchy.” 

In Taylor Swift’s song All Too Well, these are the words we hear not directly from her mouth, but from her ex to paint a sad yet typical narrative. And with these words, she does something unexpected. 

So swiftly, Ms. Swift weaves them into a context that exposes our society’s shallow use of feminist solidarity, not only by women but also men. Her song suggests that saying the phrase alone doesn’t make someone a feminist if their behavior continues to reinforce patriarchal norms. Women may use feminist language today to appear aligned with feminist values, but contradictingly then continue to act in ways that perpetuate—and benefit from—the inequalities they claim to challenge. And meanwhile, men too may weaponize phrases like this to appear progressive, but subtly uphold the very system that benefits them—whether through “mansplaining” or actions that contradict their words.

And so I ask: just how much of our cultural lore is messing with our heads when it comes to the way we couple and sustain our relationships? Traditional marriage between a man and a woman is often imagined a beautiful and magical union—the pinnacle of society’s romantic ideals—where two searching souls come together in perfect harmony. The classic sitcom, I Love Lucy, comes to mind. As beloved as Lucy and Ricky’s marriage was in this sitcom, it was far from harmonious. Theirs was the quintessential portrayal of love and humor, but also daily misunderstandings, emotional neediness, and all the messy struggles of partnership. Beneath the laughter, it revealed just how much constant effort a never-quite-perfect harmony truly demands.

I heard the term “mansplain” for the first time only recently and believe it captures a central factor keeping marriage from this elusive harmony. Coined in 2008 and inspired by Rebecca Solnit’s essay Men Explain Things to Me, the term encapsulates an ingrained pattern of patriarchal behavior. While Solnit didn’t use the word herself, it describes a man who, instead of engaging with the discomfort of vulnerability, avoids it by ”reasoning” through it, explaining a woman’s emotions to her as though he understands them better than she does.

Any of you women relate to the classic “hormonal” excuse men love to use? This phenomenon is clearly and blatantly a symptom of patriarchal conditioning—an “unconscious” effort by men to reclaim control in moments that demand surrender, empathy, or deeper understanding. Hm??

Curiously in Disney, holiday and romcom entertainment, we’re usually only shown what happens before but hardly ever after the “Happily Ever After.” Let’s admit something no woman and no man really acknowledges when it comes to the aftermath of the fairytale “I do.” That (at least) traditional marriage is quite the different experience for a woman than it is for a man, holding starkly different meanings for each.

For many men, marriage represents stability and the comfort of being cared for. For women, however, it often demands an all-encompassing psychological and emotional commitment, with the home and its many responsibilities becoming central to her life, regardless of whether she also pursues a career. But their differing expectations—shaped by the ideal of the perfect fairytale union—are (in my humble opinion) a major cause of the tensions and misunderstandings most marriages might encounter today, after the hope of ever-after.

Under the patriarchal ideal, a man asking a woman to marry him likely believes he is bestowing “paradise” upon his wife. That is of course, as long as she maintains the peace by acquiescing to his every word and way of life. Under this mindset, he seeks simplicity—a relationship where he leads, and she follows. “Unconsciously,” he resists her yearning for the deeper emotional and spiritual connection she desires. 

But dear Lover, a bit of raw honesty. Within a woman stirs a deeper call—a need for psychological evolution within a conscious relationship.

Biologically, a woman holds a unique and profound power. By her very nature, she is the catalyst for emotional growth in the relationship. She is wired for it. She can sense the unspoken truths between the couple and strive to bring them to light, truths he may prefer to avoid. Bravo’s most successful reality shows thrive on this very dynamic. It’s wonderful but it’s terrible all at once. Because she risks being feared (AND SHE RISKS GETTING WAY TOO CAUGHT UP IN IT). But isn’t it almost always the woman who asks her man, “Can we talk”? When she encourages communication and asks that he reconsider the “paradise” of patriarchal patterns, tensions will abound. True connection demands vulnerability, but vulnerability can threaten his carefully maintained armor. She can let the marriage go on as a merry-go-round or challenge him to go deeper: “Honey, come home.” 

A man under the old patriarchal mentality wishes for a tacit agreement: that she cooperate and not challenge or ask too much of him. He desires that she love him and that she not drag him into the icky, murky, unsettling waters of emotion and psychological evolution. Yet herein lies the paradox. He may not articulate or want to admit it, but deep down, I believe he thirsts for her emotional depth and lusts for her capacity for connection and meaning. Deep within, he yearns for her to balance the barren simplicity of his ordered, ambitious life. And each day, though he may peer gingerly past the door with a “Honey, I’m home” (anticipating what emotional “side” awaits him), he is drawn to her—terrified yet compelled, and lured by the untamed parts of life she represents and which he may struggle to confront and integrate. [Delve more and visit—> MALEFICENT]

Marriage, for all its challenges, holds the potential for profound transformation. Never is it static. It’s but a wonderfully terrible and terribly wonderful dynamic journey. 

As for myself, marriage is a wonderfully terrible and terribly wonderful dilemma—one which has me ever-questioning just how much of the Patriarchy we’ve all internalized. But then I’m reminded of something. Underneath all the mischief, absurdity and exasperating antics, Lucy was really just calling Ricky home. To which he responded every day with “Honey, I’m home.” And so, behind all the comedy and chaos, perhaps marriage is really simply that—a call for and a response to… a longing for connection.