“If every time you feel slighted, you keep repeating the same behavior thinking you’ll get a different outcome——THAT MAKES YOU INSANE.” 

These were the words out of my mum’s mouth when I recounted a quarrel I’d had with husbo. And these were her words yet again when I related another na-nanny boo-boo scenario I’d had with my daughter.

As per Courage to Change, an Al-Anon daily reader, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” 

But I was always right. So I thought. In my attempts to change another’s behavior, my way would work eventually. So I thought. Logically, I knew the only person I could truly change was myself. Yet emotionally, I was a stubborn mule. A fool failing school.

I was fighting righteousness with more righteousness, fire with more fire. I didn’t see that unless I broke the cycle of rancor—unless I removed myself from the broken-record pattern of resentment and bitterness—I would only be perpetuating the very thing I was trying to end. 

Anger and peace, like the sun and the moon, cannot exist in the same sky at once. There has to be a balance. We can’t harbor anger and wish for simultaneous peace. The only way to harness peace within ourselves is to step back from our own fiery beams of resentment and embrace a moonlit calm of honest surrender.

Letting go of anger can feel impossible. It could be karmic, something we’re meant to wrestle with. It could be an addiction, a twisted reminder we subconsciously instigate to feel more ALIVE, letting the adrenaline course through our veins. It could also just be a habit that’s become too second-nature, or a reaffirming familiarity. But the fact remains, when we let go of anger, we are acknowledging that past wounds—as valid as they may be—do not have to define our reality. 

John-Paul Sartre once said “Freedom is what you do with what has been done to you.” The longer we cling to bitterness, the longer it consumes us, turning us into prisoners of our own pain. And as Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh so wisely put it, “Suffering is not enough. We must also be happy.“ 

It took a long—exasperatingly long—time for me to finally internalize that my relentless attempts to change another were not just unhelpful, they were insane. And once I realized my focus needed ONLY to be on harnessing peace within myself, everything changed.

My mum—my solar guide—put it simply:

“IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW THE OTHER BEHAVES. What matters is what’s best for you.”

As humans, the need to communicate radiates from our very being. We interact no matter what—through words, body language, or silence, through our solar presence or our lunar absence.

And so I offer this, something I’ve found really works:

Prioritize values: ONLY when we begin to understand and prioritize our values and needs can we change our own behavioral patterns. Old habits die hard ONLY if we let them. ONLY when we decide what truly matters to us—as in being mentally, emotionally and physically sound—can we align our actions with our priorities. 

Surrender: When we find ourselves clueless about how to move forward, the most liberating step is to mentally surrender—not in defeat, but in cool acceptance. By surrendering to a higher power and the idea that we cannot control anything outside ourselves, we create space for clarity and peace. But surrender doesn’t mean inaction. We need tools. Cool tools.

Respond, don’t react: When we feel slighted, we could hurl more logs into the sputtering fire, even in the form of sullen silent aggression. OR, more wisely, we could reply with a cool and proper, “How interesting.” [For more depth into this powerfully transformational word, do visit—>“Interesting”] We can choose to listen without justice-driven Joan of Arc energy and give a disarmingly cool, “Thank you for letting me know what you think.” And then retreat, and recede into utter coolness. This exquisitely neutral response will likely leave the other speechless while we keep ourselves grounded, elegantly composed and robust in our strength (as the saintly headmistress I call my mum would do). And once we’ve thoroughly gathered our wits and our breath, we can return with: “I come in peace, to say, ’I don’t approve of what you did/said, but I accept it.’” Again, coolly disarming. 

Insisting on our usually just leaves us drained, disempowered. It too is so easy to point fingers at someone else’s immaturity, and yet so hard to admit when our own behavior hasn’t been as sane as we’d like to think. Ah but who cares. Let go (to yours and their pride, stubbornness and even remorse). Commit to letting go each time. Do it for YOU. Because NOT doing it means NOT caring for YOU.

Let’s never forget, self-care is not selfish; it’s quantum. Others around may then follow suit. And this, kindred Lover, is how wishes do come true.

We’re all fools in love—as in, the art of love. All stubborn mules caught up in a duel. All fools in school learning tools to keep cool, to fuel love’s jewel with one golden rule: spin the spool that mends the cruel, and leave the gruel as fuel for renewal. 😜 

All it takes is just one sane day of self-care. Then another and another. Until we’re simply far too empowered and serene inside to react, because we’ll finally have embodied (with mind, body and soul) the power of cool. 

Too school for cool? I think not.

And so dear students, a quick recap: 

To be sane or not to be sane. That is the refrain. Those insane are detained in a strain, in a loop of blame that just deepens the pain. But the sane will explain, one must break the chain, dispel the bane of toxic disdain. And to find only gain in keeping contained. 

Like the sun and the moon, we must rise and attune. Cuz to speak too soon is no way to commune.

😜