We fight. We curse. We cry. Then we sulk and brood and begrudge until we’re tired of being tired. We release, we reconcile, we kiss and make up. And so it goes, the pendulum of love.

To a reasonable degree, the egregious erratic behavior that sometimes springs from a heated discussion can be vital to a relationship. That’s right, being overly polite might inhibit some necessary elements that actually bond two lovers. If it is true love, then surely hate will be amiss. If it is true devotion, then doubts are sure to rise. It might not seem logical, but “love has reasons which reason cannot understand” (Blaise Pascal). Real love calls for a bit of risk.

When your dearly beloved says she despises you and damns the day she met you, you need only take it for what it is: an honest trust and sincere promise of love. When hubbo tells you that you’re crazy, selfish and unruly, you need not be offended. It can just be a way to hommage his deep love for you. These moments are likely a confirmation that your brazen other-half feels secure enough in letting you be the only person with whom they can show their disguised insecurities. Perhaps reason does understand love’s reasons after all. Be utterly flattered that you are the only one with whom they can launch a merciless tirade. It can simply be their need for a confirmation of your loyalty to them. The emotional Ka-pows, blaps and splunks could just mean you two crazies have enough hope and faith in each other to tolerate one another’s “ugly” side.

No matter how mean or shocking their behavior might be in the name of rage, let’s not forget there is a fragile and beating heart inside that chest of theirs. These bouts of fire from our crazed sweetum are a plea to us to listen and properly understand their underlying scars and fears. And yes, we too are just as capable of perpetrating monstrous suffering on their “undeserving” soul, no matter how insidiously. But amidst all the hullabaloo, you might suddenly hear a sentimental song or watch as your child and pup play, and decide to finally surrender. Shrugging it off, getting over yourself, and calling off the war-of -the-roses.

Love wars can—within reason—have honor. They can strike in the name of wanting to be seen and supported for our fragilities. So remember, a harmless bicker here and there might just be the badge of honor to our healthy wholesome love.