If you think about it, it may be considered “unnatural” for our children to live in our world, everything designed for grown-ups who are giants in their eyes. But, unfortunately for them, it’s their reality and they’ve got to face it. As parents, we try in so many ways to scale a world down to their bitty size, to help them deal more efficiently. But regardless of these attempts, these mini creatures have essentially got to adapt more to us, live in our world, and learn social solidarity in a world that isn’t their own.  

But social solidarity doesn’t always come so easily to even us adults. We’re all leetle tikes zipped up in a giant’s costume. We slip up in social correctness amongst each other. We forget that everything we do in these munchkins’ presence—whether good, whether bad—is teaching them how to behave. From 0 into adolescence, these littlies are nothing but porous absorbent minds, soaking up and filling up on our behaviors, attitudes, gestures and feelings.

If we play it right as parents, we show our children what responsible behavior looks like in adults. And this in turn helps them modulate their own behavior. But, is that what we actually do? When we display our fights, and spur their inner plights? Just how much of our behavior is out of sight?

When we moms and dads fight, we may each be tempted to employ our babes as an ally against the other parent, especially when we know the other is trying to do the same to us. But when this tug-o-war is played, we forfeit these teenies’ objectivity towards us. And guess what, soon we’ll find we’ve become a ready tool in their innocent-gone-scheming hands. Suddenly, in their eyes, we become seen as unfair and biased in both punishment and praise. 

Spousal animosity is understandable, and for many of us, common. But for a child, it’s an aggravation, a burden. We can’t ask ourselves to act perfectly always. Neither as spouses nor as parents. But before we impulsively scream or toss the Spanish tortilla in a fit of rage, let’s not forget our child is in their own home. And that they are having their first experience with social living.

Regardless of the tension, and who is right or wrong, every story has two sides. We spouses mustn’t forget after all, the offending party of today may only be trying to avenge their injury of yesterday. No, we can’t prevent our kids from seeing or hearing our fights. But the point is to show we still care about each other, despite the splat of the Spanish tortilla. The point is a fostered awareness that will bring us together in holier-ever-after—and attempted-at-least—mutual respect and consideration. 

Whatever conflicts arise between us giants, these kiddos need to know they have nothing to do with it. They need to know we love them unconditionally. And we need, to the maximum and most critical capacity that is humanly possible, to remember never to speak badly of our spouse with them, regardless of anything. This way, they are never put in a position where they have to choose between us as parents. We need to find a way to compromise enough to present a united front to these ever-absorbing minds. With more hugs-o-war, where everyone wins. 

And one last point to consider. When Mama and Papa fight, children may also try to play the role of middleman. They crave peace and harmony and want us to be united. However, if they see us quarreling—but not overly-heated—and resolving our conflicts in a civil manner, that’s when we nail it as big giants. When we’ve mastered honest/fair/respectful/responsive-not-reactive communication and masterfully converted disagreements into a healthy exchange of opinions. Not screaming, not tossing tortilla-dinner.

[Sneaking in a disclaimer: I breach what I preach, but try to reach what I teach 😁]

The grander concept here is this: we teach people—big or little—how to treat us. 

So are we ready to teach?