My fail-proof scheme has delivered yet another glorious triumph today. Parents, dear Parents, prepare yourselves for the most time-, energy-, and patience-saving hack you’ll ever use to get your children of all ages to obey. (And is “obey” even the right word??)

How do we handle rebellion or resistance? How do we manage situations like our preschooler refusing to brush their teeth and go to bed, or our teenager coming home past curfew? While the challenges may vary as they grow, our approach to effective parenting might be simpler than we think.

Our attitude as parents towards our little rogue’s bad habits—untidiness, thumb-sucking, tantrums—is (typically) the same. We admonish; we reproach; we make promises; we make threats in hopes that they’ll “obey.” But, aren’t these precisely the forces that exaggerate the habits we wish to deter in our little minis? For example, to teach a child to stop sucking her thumb, our inclination is to pull her thumb out of her mouth, wait until she puts her thumb back, pry it out again and repeat this ritual over and over. Augment the vehemence with an impatient tone of our voice, through threats and drama, and before we know it the habit is cemented for months or even years to come. 

Too often, we are wholly oblivious of the fact that our “teaching” methods inevitably lead to the opposite result, or worse. When a child’s defiance is aroused, FACT IS, they will resist. And let’s be honest, don’t we adults act just the same?

So we’ve got three choices. We can punish them; we can give in to them; or we can do something intelligent. 

Here’s what I’ve learned that works, Every. Single. Time. 

I stumbled upon this reel and ever since, I’ve held a fail-proof golden key: https://www.instagram.com/reel/Czd3ikYiMM6/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==

I offer a scenario: 

When I see Sofia sucking her thumb, I tell her a story. A story will capture her attention (every time, just as it will any one of us). It gets her to stop crying from the image of a rodent which Dad whips out jokingly but which only traumatizes her, every thumb-sucking time . A story, though, gets her ears perked up to listen, to pay attention to me.

“When I was young just like you, Sof, I too sucked my thumb and my mum kept telling me to stop. Oh how I longed to keep sucking my thumb! It was so comforting and I’d been doing it for years! I bet you understand exactly how I felt, right?” Sofia nods yes. “Well, guess what? One day, I went to the dentist. She handed me a mirror, and Lo to my dismay, my teeth were growing crooked from sucking my thumb! And well, they looked just like a rat’s! So I immediately decided to stop sucking my thumb, and thankfully my teeth grew out straighter. But you see, I don’t want a bad habit like this to cause you to have an ugly smile, because I love you!” I then tell her, “I can’t force you to stop. Only you can decide that. But if you like, I can help remind you when you forget. Would you like me to remind you? That way you can grow a beautiful bright smile that lights everyone’s day!?” Sofia nods yes. And then says, “Look mama, I’m not sucking my thumb!” To which I respond, “Miamor, I am so proud you’ve decided to stop. I knew you’d make the right decision!”

[Then, curiously, and so tenderly, Sofia will tell the same story to her doll😍. OH and by the way, just realized yesterday from her dentist that taking away her lovey solves the problem easy-peasy. To whom it may apply.]

So. Here’s what telling the story did: I acknowledged her situation, related my own experience with hers, enabled her to relate to me, allowed her to act independently, and motivated her to do something that would be better for her. Her decision. Not her obeying. All that and a bag of chips, since I too got to spin my imagination juices.

The key is to enter into their world. To speak and relate to them as if we, too, were a child. Not a child in age. But in simplicity, and freshness, and enthusiasm, with a guileless inaptitude for all the trivial concerns we adults make such a fuss over. As parents we need to build their trust, as they look to us for validation. But we can accomplish this only when we are not supervising, prescribing, dictating their every move. Whether it’s with our toddler or our teenager, we can communicate effectively through light, playful, exciting, adventurous and gentle storytelling. Not by minimizing them, deploying fear to get their attention and forcing them to obey and do what we want them to do.

We forget the tremendous power we have as parents. But how we wield our power is crucial to their development and our longterm relationship with them. We can demand and force, talk over them and play the punishment game. Or we can succumb and yield, compromise and play the reward game. But then, we risk not leading and guiding them properly. 

That is why to be truly effective, we dear Parents must avoid the compulsion to exert authoritative influence as we’ve been taught. A true leader never demands power. A true leader learns, discerns and earns their power, but never by force. When we incessantly try to control our children, it’s only likely they become blunted by our efforts, no longer pay attention, abandon motivation to be independent or turn sullen and impudent. Not what we’re after, yeah? 

It’s not so much about discipline as it is discipleship. A disciple is a follower who agrees to follow. When we create an environment where they feel safe to follow, they will follow our guidance without frustration or a fear of rejection. We’ll be able to guide them with ease, and help them foster the best relationships, those they have with us along with the world around them.