Most people enter coupledom hoping it will be a beautiful jewel box full of all the dreamy things they’ve been longing for: perpetual attraction and intimacy, the ultimate companionship, solid trust, unyielding stability, and yet never ennui…
But the truth is, marriage, at the start, is like an empty box. Something must be put in before anything can be taken out. Marriage doesn’t secure love. Love is in us, and we must put love in marriage, day after diligent day. What we mean is, we can get carried away focusing on what’s lacking in the way our partner shows love, and so initiate a game of “I’m not giving, since I’m not getting.” You know as well as we do, that doesn’t work in anyone’s favor. The key is to (at least try) to be in a mindset of giving FIRST. That way we give and show what we want in return. If not, it’s just an endless game of tit for tat—with tension, resentment, and (we hope never in your case) contempt.
Romance doesn’t magically spring from the box of marriage. It’s up to each partner in the couple to infuse it into their marriage, regularly. Marriage is a masterful art that a couple must learn, practice and hone day in and day out. It’s a space in which we must make a habit of adapting, tolerating, giving, serving, and praising, in order to keep the box FULL. If more is taken out than is put in, the box will eventually be barren.
[Understably, we all have different love languages. That’s why it is de rigueur that we become aware of our own and consider those of our partner.]
EASY BOX-FILLERS:
-A surprise doodle or note from the ❤️ on his breakfast paper napkin
-A love sticky-note on her dresser mirror
-An unexpected embrace (not a rushed one) as you pass each other in the hallway
-A love note in his golf bag or work trip carry-one (something as quick and simple as a squiggly heart or pornographic comment 😜 on a scrap of paper)
-Appointed movie date in bed (after kids are deadbolted in their rooms. Take us only 90% seriously, please)
-A flower (even if hand-picked from your backyard orchard)
-The sickest new tech gadget or a proper stripey Sleepy Jones p.j. (via surprise mail)
-Unloading the dishwasher when it’s normally the other’s purview
DIFFICULT BOX-FILLERS:
-Keeping the arms of mass destruction in storage (i.e. remaining QUIET and stepping out of the line of fire when provoked by the skunk in the room)
-FORGIVE, IMMEDIATELY (tireless practice makes perfect)
-Allowing the other to be human (i.e. flawed, i.e. not perfect, i.e. not as you would like them to be right then)
-Being humble and taking accountability when one errs
-Giving your opinion strategically (meaning, choosing the right moment to give your opinion–as in, when the other is not nervous or stressed. Also meaning, giving your opinion gently—beginning and ending with a compliment and leaving out insults, accusations, belittling, or comparing)
-Avoid complaining, even if this time you should be allowed to (no one likes a complainer—that’s what therapists are for)
-Have that light conversation about each other’s individual love language
-Realization and clear establishment of each one’s roles and where they overlap, so as to avoid misunderstandings and unnecessary battles
You get the idea.
Commit.
Be consistent.
💎And invite the work (cuz the dividends are even greater)💎
