As parents, we might view our children as a “tabula rasa,” or clean slate, born without innate ideas or expectations. However, this is not the case, mumsies and daddos. These children are born not only with what we call “basic” needs but also with very specific inherent expectations. These expectations, if unmet, can have profound consequences. Alas, we are capable of wounding these babes in ways we might not even be aware of. A child can be left wounded–traumatized–not only from emotional or physical treatment we commonly consider abusive but also quite simply by not meeting their Great Expectations.

1. An obvious example is their expectation of unconditional loving acceptance. But do we practice it when their personalities and preferences begin to take shape as they grow? Clearly, they shouldn’t have to strive to make their relationship functional with us, their parents. Less obviously, it is we who must adapt to them. We need to instill in them the understanding that they don’t have to be clever, pretty, cute, talented, or successful to be loved, valued, and accepted. We should let them feel that they just need to be. 
2. When they are petulant, moody, sluggish or sad, we need to remember these are part of the spectrum of emotions Nature endowed them with and which they need to experience and express freely. Apart from love and cheerfulness, emotions such as timidness, doubt, curiosity and lust (when they are teenagers) are all there to be felt and understood. The question here is why parents may sometimes feel the need to suppress the “less appealing” or less convenient emotions in our children. Being open, asking and discussing their feelings with gentleness is their expectation and need from us.
3. As technology is changing our lifestyles, another important expectation comes to mind. These hard-wired tabulas require free, spontaneous, creative, imaginative play, especially out in nature. Because of convenience or simply misguided intentions, we may often mistakenly prioritize their cognitive development over creative play. As I scroll through my IG, I am blasted with all sorts of children’s gadgets, educational games and applications, and yet I wonder whether perhaps too many of these will deprive my daughter of her ability to use her imagination. I am certain Steve Jobs never had any of these to play with and look at what his imagination came up with. Could we be undermining their brain development with too much stuff? As a child, growing up with only the basics—paper, scissors, glue and markers—I feel I’ve managed more than well, thank you very much 😜.
4. I think of the shocking multiplicity of medication given to American children today and how it’s considered normal. And yet, American children are notably growing up with anxiety, depression, and ADHD (all NOT NORMAL) because their expectations and needs for a healthy development are not being met. Could it be the (odious) mandatory vaccinations or insidiously dangerous GMO-ridden foods on our grocery lists? It is also our children’s need that we do our homework, that we investigate and make informed choices for them. (Do we really know what is in these vaccinations or in the additives in what we feed them? Do we really know what their possible long term effects might be????)
5. Sometimes what might appear to be “great” caring for our children, might actually be us trying to overprotect them from all the problems we might have experienced in our youth. We could as parents be directly transmitting our own heavy anxieties and nervous energies to them. This frenetic overprotection and over-attention, to me, has nothing to do with the inherent needs of the child but everything to do with the unmet needs of the parent. And as soon as we are projecting our unmet needs unto our children, we are no longer seeing or treating them as they exist; we are instead acting out our anxieties, fears and regrets. 
6. That said, it’s impossible to love these needsters too much! I must plant at least a thousand kisses on my daughter’s face every day! Studies have revealed that the adults who are the most grounded, stable and happy were those that received the most love and affection from their parents as children. The damage that a lack of affection has on a child can be monstrous (I’ve seen what this can do to family and friends I know and makes me sad). 
7. We can expect our children to go through pain and grief, as these feelings are hard-wired emotions. Whether the pain or the loss is great or small, we need to let them feel and express themselves, and not minimize it. They need us to validate their emotions and let them push through the entire spectrum of their feelings. Pain is inevitable—pain is our lifelong classroom lesson. But pain doesn’t have to be dramatic or traumatic. Let’s not forget that the traumas of our lives (big or small) are not the actual incidents we experienced but the scars that remain, fester, and cause deep issues into our adulthood. It seems obvious that the question of how to raise our children is more about supporting-–knowing how to support them when they are exposed to any kind of distress, trauma or simply uncomfortable feelings. 

A loving presence, a listening ear, empathy and dialogue. And of course the hundreds of attempted and successful kisses and hugs. These are our parenting tools. And their reasonable expectations of us.