Here we are, at the onset of a presidential election and the possibility of a first-time female president. Regardless of one’s opinion of Kamala, it’s an interesting moment. One that’s made me more conscious of the gender power dynamic and how it’s influenced me in my marriage. In modern times, we’ve seen glimpses of a power shift as more women take leadership roles, and men embrace a more collaborative approach. But while modern times tell us that one gender is not superior to the other—and that both should be recognized as having unique strengths especially when combined—many of us may still struggle with this ”tango.”

Long before patriarchy, there was “the gynocratic age.” Or so some would have us believe. Gloria Steinem famously described it for the inaugural issue of Ms. Magazine in 1972:

“Once upon a time, the many cultures of this world were all part of the gynocratic age. Paternity had not yet been discovered, and it was thought … that women bore fruit like trees—when they were ripe. Childbirth was mysterious. It was vital. And it was envied. Women were worshiped because of it, were considered superior because of it…. Men were on the periphery—an interchangeable body of workers for, and worshippers of, the female center, the principle of life.

The discovery of paternity, of sexual cause and childbirth effect, was as cataclysmic for society as, say, the discovery of fire or the shattering of the atom. Gradually, the idea of male ownership of children took hold….

Gynocracy (began to) suffer… Women gradually lost their freedom, mystery, and superior position. For 5000 years or more, the gynocratic age had flowered in peace and productivity. Slowly, in varying stages and in different parts of the world, (but) the social order was painfully reversed. Women became the underclass, marked by their visible differences.”

According to the myth, this gynocratic period—presumably free of conflict and rebellion—was one of harmony and abundance, and men’s and women’s roles gloriously coexisted in balance. “The feminine” was at the 💗 of spiritual and social life, until EVERYTHING changed. And thence, for the past 5000 years, men’s and women’s roles have been different, under what one might call a “patriarchal” system.

This “tango” between the sexes has since been shaped by power dynamics and social expectations. And as far as my studies and reflections go, the theme of sex and gender—in which the female is defined by her role to give birth and to nurture—may be at the heart of it. It seems the female is almost always entirely identified by her connection to her biology and sexuality. 

So I read up on Merlin Stone’s “When God Was a Woman,” which also tells of a matriarchal utopia usurped by patriarchy. While it may offer an attempt to explain the origins of sexism, this account—along with the many myths like the one Ms. Steinem speaks of—holds significant psychological and spiritual value. 

A story need not be factual to be powerful. Pour me another glass, and let’s get in deep, darlings.

An example. There aren’t written histories about the Buddha, only narratives crafted to fit the myth surrounding the genesis of Buddhism. And yet an entire religion has been built around the myth (!!). But what is a myth? A myth is a parable, one that leads the mind to deeper truths. It’s a finger pointing to the skies—an indication, a reverence, a symbol suggesting more than it explicitly reveals.

But back to “gynocratic”—a word rarely heard, or one I’d never heard before. As women, we could rise and call hysterically for battle against the patriarchy. After all, it has been nearly 5,000 years of it. We could…. but a battle would be missing the point entirely. The point in this macrocosmic “battle of the sexes”—and microcosmic matrimonial “war of the roses”—lies in something else.

Lately, I’m into basics. With health, with emotions, with my relationship with hubbo. And Basics would teach us this: That to become powerful and masterful, a person—a true leader—need not fight, suppress, bully, or diminish their “opponent” to become it. If/when we encounter aggression, we could resent the aggressor and try to one-up, control or punish them. Make them feel weaker. We could think, because they raise their voice, we should raise ours, and LOUDER. But is this really a demonstration of real power? 

I know that when I feel wobbly inside, I project superiority, to show the other “how dare you! You can’t do that to me!” I buy into it and in showing rage and defending myself, only demonstrate that I agree. I feel insecure—so I project, assert, and exaggerate my strength and power….

But that would be letting fear control me. Feeling I’ll lose control. And that if I lose control, I’ll be powerless. Ah but I’ve learnt it. Finally. I’ve learnt there’s a kind of control superior to the rest. Not a control that calculates and manipulates, but one that comes naturally from self-witnessing and self-knowledge. The kind of control that is so natural, so calm, so dignified and so confident, that there is no need to control. Turns out real control, real power, real richness within, happen through self-love, self-respect, and self-knowing. When we KNOW OUR TRUTH. And this kind is the most powerful because it can’t be taken away.

This gender power struggle could go on, with one party trying to impose or suppress and the other, doing just the same in defense. But that’s plain useless. Because when we act with (real) understanding, we stop hurting others and ourselves. We raise our power. And become watchers. But to watch—really watch—we’ve got to be absolutely nonjudgmental and nonreactive. And to that I raise my glass.

We could begrudge, and seethe and gnaw forever at our dog bone. But for what? By being deeply in touch with the now, we can touch and appreciate and repair the past. If we hold—truly feel—qualities like stability, peace, and freedom, we can make a change. 

I’ve realized in my marriage that to achieve a result, it’s not about “doing,” but about “being” something. I used to be all about “actions speak louder than words.” But there’s an infinitely more powerful truth to the dynamic here. When I am really being calm and reason, being solid, and being love, positive actions naturally (and effortlessly) sprout from these things. No deliberate action needed. Peace, strength, stability and freedom start seeking ways to express themselves in action. And this, oh sweet Fellow Egalitarians, is the spiritual dimension of our gender-balance reality. Loving ourselves first, and not depending on and allowing others’ reactions to take power over us, we retain our inner power and lead through example. 

And sooooo, this golden idea of a gynocratic age is our guiding myth. Just as Buddhism is rooted in a mythic story of the Buddha, the idea of gynocracy serves as a fashionable Prada lens through which to reflect on our past and move through the present and into the future. We need not drag something so beautiful and sacred as our nurturing nature into muddy-sticky-heavy humanity-driven conflict. We need not hold up arms of destruction, for we hold a myth, a key to inspire new social, political and philosophical perspectives to potentially (hopefully) reshape the global mindset. But it all starts with setting an example. Of real power, on a very microcosmic, individual level.

In the end, we females have always been more than our traditional roles as solely nurturers. And so…